My name is Willow Kriz, or mommy, depending on who you talk to. My parents both loved the Lord when I was born, and continue to today. Their desire was to raise their children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, and they did. I am very thankful for the steadfastness and faith of my parents. When I was six, I went to see a traveling ventriloquist evangelist, (say that 5 times fast!) Marilee Dawn. At the end of her show, they shared that Jesus died for my sins, and now was the time to make Him Lord of my life because the eternal consequences are serious and, well, eternal! I thought, “I need to go up, if Jesus suffered and died on the cross for my sins, He deserves a response from me.” This was not the first time I had heard I was a sinner and Jesus died for my sins, but the first time I was convicted to live a life of gratitude to Jesus for saving me from the punishment I deserved for my sins. I was baptized in February of 1998, just before I turned 7 years old.

I am struggling to know what to include in my testimony. I wouldn’t say I strayed from the faith, but there was a battle between my flesh and the Holy Spirit that now indwelled in me. (Matthew 26:41, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”) There are some sins that, looking back, it seems I continually lived in; pride and unbelief manifesting itself in fear. (Isaiah 66:2b, “But this is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.”)
I wanted people to know God just as I did. I wanted people to give Jesus the dues He deserved; He did die for us, while we were still sinners, after all. (Romans 5:8) But how I went about this was so prideful. I was in wonder why others “couldn’t just see what I saw!” I took all the recognition for “choosing” Jesus. According to the scriptures, that is so backward: Romans 3:11, “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God.”

I also struggled with fear, fear, fear. I was so scared of demons and kidnappers, and scary things, you name it, I couldn’t sleep. Unless a family member was in my room, I was crying and sweating and trembling in fear. I would go to the bathroom and close the door and turn on the light and search the Scriptures for verses that told me not to fear, that God was with me, that He was the strongest, nothing could defeat Him. I memorized so many. Nothing seemed to help.

Throughout this time, I went to Sunday school and age appropriate activities held by the church body, church services, even did a puppet ministry, went walking around parks to tell people about Jesus, read my bible, had a fairly strong relationship with my parents, desired to obey them, helped out in little children’s church programs. Everything looked ok on the outside. Fear caused by unbelief, and pride plagued me.

Entering high school, it turned out I could work hard and become pretty good at athletics. I enjoyed learning and getting good grades as well. Best of all, I could workout really hard, study, work at my part time job, and practice basketball, and then be so tired at night, I could actually fall sleep. I became obsessed with busy-ness, the praise of others, and myself, really. I still desired people to know Jesus…but mostly those people that I knew.(a very self centred desire.) I still made reading my bible and going to church a priority, but I was so distracted by sports medals and academic accomplishments. My desired career path was even all about getting the praise and attention of man.
If you had asked me then, I would have told you that I love God and desire people to be saved and desire to please God. If you looked at my life it would have looked different from most teenagers who didn’t profess to live for God. I was very disciplined in pretty much everything I did, but it was all for my glory and my benefit. I weep thinking about my goals and mindset while knowing Jesus died for my sins. I was deceived by what the world said was of most value, forgetting what God values; a humble and contrite spirit. Throughout broadcasting college and my first job in Cold Lake, I sat under Godly pastors who preached the bible. God continued to be faithful and keep people in my life who loved God and encouraged me to seek Him. When I went to Grande Prairie in 2011, I was determined to find a church that had a good pastor that would “teach me what I needed to know to be a good Christian.” In truth, I had one foot in the “worldly” boat, another foot in “God’s boat,” and was continually being pulled in the 2 directions. (Romans 8 explains this well) God led me to a church and kept me there through many different, unexpected changes. We did a bible study called, “Desiring God.” This study went through who God is; perfectly Holy, perfectly just, perfectly omnipotent, perfectly wise, perfectly merciful, perfectly wrathful, perfectly omnipresent, perfectly love, and the list goes on for eternity. A quote used in the study that really explained and convicted me of loving myself and my desires over God’s is from C.S. Lewis’ “The Weight of Glory, and Other Addresses”: “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

I began to realize I was not committing my whole life to God, I was not “Loving Him with my whole body, soul, mind, and strength.” (Mark 12:30) Although I had wanted to, wanted to please God and live a life worthy of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, I had been looking to the world to give me examples of what a “good” life looked like, I had been looking at my own self to be great, instead of looking at the bible. Instead of looking at who God is, and how He gives us the Holy Spirit to enable us to live a life for Him. Throughout this whole time, I was still always scared. I would run from my room past the spooky, scary closet to my bathroom to avoid whatever laid in wait to “get me” every morning and evening. Another quote was used in the previously mentioned “desiring God” study that revealed my hypocrisy. It was in reference to a man viewing porn. The gist of it was, if you actually believed what you say you believe about God, you would not have a porn addiction problem. I realized, I did not actually believe with my heart what I said with my mouth. If God is good and Holy and just and saved me from my sin, and is worth far more than anything on this earth, why was I so afraid of something “getting me.” I was not believing or trusting God completely. After that day, I was not afraid anymore. The Lord helped my unbelief and freed me of my fears. A verse that I have drawn comfort from since then, Matthew 6:19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” I was so obsessed with myself that the thought of something happening to me was crippling me. By God’s grace I realized He is better than me, just as the heavens are above the earth. What do I have that I have not been given? ( 1 Corinthians 4:7 For who makes you so superior? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?) God was the one who chose to save me. It was nothing I did. (Ephesians 2:8-10 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.)

Since proverbially putting both of my feet into one boat, God’s boat, He has led me in paths of righteousness for His name sake. I have never questioned the worth of knowing Christ Jesus as my savior. He is before all things. By Him our world was created. God has kept me loving Him, following Him, desiring Him and I owe all my life and breath and very being to God. I thank God for taking me out of the kingdom of darkness, and transferring me to the kingdom of His beloved son, in whom there is redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Through the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, He continues to convict me of sin, and shape me into someone who looks more like Jesus everyday, by his grace.

1 Timothy 1:15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.

Philippians 3:8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.