What are some principles that can help with being a godly spouse and a godly parent? In this sermon, Paul Washer deals with multiple topics and in the second half answers questions from the audience. This was a spontaneous extra session from the 2021 Fellowship Conference.

Transcript:
Several years ago, I was doing a marriage conference in Russia, and I had to preach, I think it was somewhere around 18 or 21 sermons that week on marriage. I had gotten into, I don’t know how many sermons, but we were way over halfway, and one of the leaders came up to me and said, “Brother Paul, you have not yet preached on marriage.” I said, “I know, what have I preached on?” He said, “The fruit of the Spirit.”

So, if I had a man who knew all the principles of marriage but was not filled with the Spirit and bearing the fruit of the Spirit, all those principles really aren’t going to matter. If I have a man who is filled with the Holy Spirit and bearing the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—he’s going to do all right in marriage. Now, you need both, but nothing takes the place of transformation.

As a man, you see, when you talk about authority, you must be careful not to put authority as a man in the context of Caesar. This is in the context of Christ. How do I have authority? I have authority to serve. I have authority to make every decision I make for the glory of God, for the benefit of my wife, and for the benefit of my children. And what about me? I’m not in the equation. Authority, with regard to an elder, gives him authority to serve to the glory of God for the benefit of God’s people, and he doesn’t fit in the equation. As the head of my home, I have the right to serve everyone in my home and to go to bed more tired than everyone else in my home.

I have authority to work very hard at the mission, come home, and know that my day has just begun. I have a wife and three children at home. I had four children at home; one of them just turned five, and she is my shadow. You see, men, you don’t really want authority. Authority will send you to an early grave or at least make you look like you’re already ready for an early grave. Authority will make you tired—authority makes you a servant. Every decision I make, I’m not in the equation. That’s true authority. What does God command? What will bring Him glory? What is the best thing for my wife? What can I do that she will prosper, that she will grow, that she will become everything she ought to become in Christ—not molded in my image but molded in the image of God according to the way God made her.

So, authority is not a gorilla-like beating of the chest. It’s not a Caesar-like, “Everybody serves me.” We have that tendency: we come home where we say, “You’re the breadwinner. You’ve worked very hard; you come home, everyone ought to serve you.” No, they don’t. You just keep going; you just keep going. But if you keep going, they will want to serve you at times. “Dad, rest; I got this. Honey, go out, take your gun, kill something, enjoy yourself.” Do you see? What does my wife need? She needs a better husband.

Now, not that I want her to replace me anytime soon; she needs a better husband. What’s the biggest problem in our marriage? My wife needs a better husband. What’s the biggest problem in my family? My wife and children need a better husband and father. You see, when something bad happens at HeartCry, who do they come to? Whose fault is it? Who’s responsible? Me. Something goes bad in the church, who’s responsible? It’s always the one who assumes some position of authority.

Men, this is very, very important, especially for men in the ministry. I have heard men say that they rightfully have neglected their family in some degree because of ministry. Do you know what those men are doing? They’re accusing God. They’re accusing God. You know what they’re saying? They’re violating Romans 12:1-2 that says the will of God is what? Perfect. So, if you tell me, “Because of the ministry, I don’t have time for my family,” look what you’re saying. You’re saying that the will of God is imperfect because in order to obey the will of God in the ministry, I have to violate the will of God with regard to my wife and my family. That’s blaming God. That’s nothing heroic or sacrificial; that’s blaming God. That’s demonstrating that your real intention is not to be obedient; your real intention is to create some sort of name for yourself, some sort of kingdom, or maybe God just needs your help.

You see, we’re only required to be obedient. Now, some of you wives right now, you just want to put a proverbial elbow right into the ribs of your husband and say something like this: “Why can’t you be like that man?” Here’s the answer I’m going to give you: look at her and say, “That man’s not even like that man!” But I do see this as a reality, and I do repent when anything starts becoming like me. Oh, it does! Whenever there are unmet expectations that cause me to be sad. But men, authority is authority to serve. You have been entrusted with God’s daughter. You have been entrusted with children.

Do you see? Now, men, if you worked like this: let’s say I owned a big company, and 75% of the sales, or let’s say that I owned a big company, and you were kind of a new guy in there, and you were just useless—do you know what I would probably say? Look to my upper management and I’d say, “Yeah, he’s useless, but he’s young; let’s invest in him. Let’s have some mercy; let’s keep him on.” Now, let’s change the scenario: 75% of all the sales in my company come from you. You’re a hotshot; you’re amazing, but you also happen to be married to my daughter. You’re neglecting her and mistreating her. I’m going to shoot you, hang you in a tree, and let the news spread that no one does something like that to my daughter.

Well, you’re going to lose all the sales; I don’t care. It’s my daughter. Your wife, if she is a believing wife, is far more important to God. He doesn’t need you to manage His company. He doesn’t need your sales. He doesn’t need whatever you think that you’re giving. God is calling us to a life of obedience. A life of obedience, and that is a fearful thing when you’ve been married as long as I have and you say you’re saying the things I’m saying, and you look back and you see so many times when that was not lived out in your life. But I find it helpful at least to know this is true, to strive towards it and repent when you see yourself outside of it than like many men who’ve never even thought about the things I’m saying right now. All we are required to be is obedient.

Now, some of you are maybe pastors, and you remember when I said yesterday. Have you ever gone through the Old and New Testament and wrote out every text that has to do with pastoring so you actually know what your responsibilities are according to God? Most people haven’t. Books say the same thing. Have you ever gone through the Old and New Testament and picked out all the texts that talk about what a husband is, what God will judge you for on the day of judgment with regard to your office as husband? Most people have never done that. The Bible says where there is no vision, the people perish. Usually, guys with really big churches, the vision is a building program, and they say, “We don’t have a vision to go forward; we’re going to just perish.” That’s not what that text means at all. It’s actually talking about a revelation of God’s law. Where there is no revelation or knowledge of what God’s will is, the people run wild.

Husbands, it’s really easy to run wild doing that which is right in our own eyes when we’ve never sat down and said, “Lord, according to You, what is a husband, what is he supposed to do, and how will he be judged?” Have you ever done that? Don’t you think you ought to? I mean, that’s pretty big because you will be judged regarding that matter.

And so it’s, you can say all day long you’re in a biblical church. You can say all day long that you believe in inerrancy and infallibility and inspiration, but do you believe in the sufficiency of Scripture? One of the most important tasks that’s been given to you is to care for your bride. How’s that supposed to be defined? Only by Scripture. Remember one time when I was in seminary, the professor walked in? He said, “Okay, students, I want you just to give me a bunch of,” it was still when you used blackboards, and he said, “Just give me lists of attributes.” There were probably 25— I don’t know how many— just a multitude of attributes that were written on the board. After about ten minutes, I sat there just looking. The professor looked at me and goes, “Okay, Washer, what are you looking so funny for?” I said, “Well, I was just thinking about something.”

We’ve said nothing. He said, “What do you mean? We’ve written all these attributes on the board.” But he knew where I was going. I said, “Well, but we’ve said nothing. As a matter of fact, maybe we’ve said heresy.” He said, “But every one of these are in the Scriptures.” I said, “Yeah, they are, but still could be heretical.” He said, “Why?” I said, “Because there are about 30 students here; it’s really possible that 30 students have 30 different definitions on what holy is, 30 definitions of what love is, 30 definitions of what justice is. So by putting those names up there, we’ve done nothing unless we define those terms biblically.”

And that’s the same way you can look at your wife and say, “I love you.” That’s what you can say, “I love you.” So what you’re saying is this: “I am patient with you; I am kind to you; I’m not jealous about your happiness, your promotion; I don’t brag about myself around you; I’m never arrogant with you; I do not act in an unbecoming or unattractive way around you; I never seek my own; I only seek your good; I’m never provoked; I never take account of any wrong that you’ve done to me. I never bring it up. The moment you do it, I forgive it, and I remember it no more. I never rejoice in unrighteousness but only with the truth, and with you, my dear wife, I bear all things— all your shortcomings, all your failures; I bear with them; I believe all things— when you say you’re going to start anew, I believe you. When you say you’re sorry, I believe you. When you say that you’re going to try to never do that again, I’m never going to say to you, ‘Yeah, you’ve said that a hundred times.’ I endure all things— whatever you throw at me, I endure it because my love never fails.”

Do you see, when you say, “I love you,” you see how powerful the word is? Just with what I just did, it shocked you, didn’t it? It shocked you. Why? Because now you can’t use the word love or the phrase “I love you” without thinking about it biblically. When I say, “I love you,” I’m making a commitment to you to be this way. Just this little thing I just said can change everything, hasn’t it?

I’m a pastor who defines that God has a definition of a pastor. He has the qualifications of a pastor, non-negotiable. He has the duties of a pastor laid out throughout the Old and New Testament. If you’re not doing those things or qualifying those things, you’re not a pastor. I can say that I’m a chimpanzee, but that doesn’t make me one. Do I have the characteristics of a chimpanzee? Do you see? That’s what I want you to see. I’m so tired of myself and of you constantly talking about how biblical we are, and then you’re all of a sudden introduced to a passage in 1 Corinthians 13 that you would have memorized when you were a little child, and now it’s been brought into your life here after you’re 40 or 50 years old, and you’re going, “My gosh, that’s astounding to look at it that way.”

You mean that’s astounding and life-changing to look at love biblically? Do you see? The reason why I’m giving this point is because we need to go through all the Bible that way—how should I act as a dad? How should a wife act? How should a mother act? How should children act? “Mom, why do we do this?” “Because I say so.” No, we do this because this is what God, in His wisdom, has ordained. Do you see? I just leave you out of the equation. Many times, I awake to find out I’m really not quite as biblical as I thought I was.

And so those are some things that I wanted to bring out. Just briefly, in verse 21 of Ephesians 5: “And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” Believers are to be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Now, that doesn’t mean whatever you tell me, I’m going to believe, accept, and submit my life to because another believer can be wrong. But the idea that I want you to see is first of all, not my wife and I as husband and wife, but I want you to see two believers because that’s what we are.

I firmly believe that a man is to lead his home, so believe that when I say that I do, but I’m also subject to my wife as a fellow believer. She can speak into my life; she can talk to me; she can tell me when she disagrees with me. I can sit down and ask for her counsel and have one opinion; she has another, and I sit there and go, “My wife has made the wiser decision; I think we need to follow her counsel.” She’s a fellow believer, and for me to listen to her, draw counsel from her, and sometimes go the way she suggested because I see there’s a lot more wisdom in it doesn’t make me less of a leader at all.

And the first person I’m going to run to is not going to be my elder necessarily except in some extreme situations, but with regard to me and my family, I’m going to run to my wife, and we’re going to talk. I’m going to listen; I’m going to listen. And when I don’t, I recognize I’m in sin. Sometimes it takes a few days; sometimes it takes “la chancla”—you gringos wouldn’t understand that; that’s a Latin thing where if you see a woman coming at you and you happen to be married to her and she’s got flip-flops on, do not insult her! Because in a millisecond, she will jump up in the air and do some Bruce Lee move, grab her flip-flop off her foot, and throw it. It’ll bounce off the wall seven, eight times, take out all the children and you, and then go back in their hands like that.

But she’s a fellow believer. I don’t complete her, I know that shocks you! I hear these preachers: “Your husband completes you.” Ma’am, if your husband can complete you, you’re lost; you’re not a Christian. Only Christ can complete you. Don’t put your husband there. He’s going to fail every time on that job. Your heart has been expanded too far as a believer for some silly man to be able to complete you and fill you. He’s not. My wife doesn’t complete me, and I don’t complete her; Christ completes us.

I’m not going to put the pressure on her: “You’ve got to complete me.” Alright, we’re both believers. Another thing: I am not my wife’s mediator. She doesn’t need a mediator between Christ and herself. She is a person in her own right, and one day she’ll receive a white stone with a name on it, and I won’t know anything about that name. It’s between her and the Lord. So she is a believer. My wife also doesn’t need to go to one of those silly women’s conferences that are entitled, “If the world gives you lemons, learn how to make lemonade.”

My wife needs theology because she’s a believer, and women grow in grace the same way men do—through the study of Scripture. My wife needs Scripture, and my wife can talk to me about Scripture, and my wife can actually instruct me in Scripture. It doesn’t mean she’s taking authority over me or being my head or anything, but if it wasn’t for her, I’d never understood Proverbs 31. I was talking about it one day, and she goes, “Well, sit down for a second; here’s your problem. You’re seeing this as a day in the life of this woman when actually these are stages in her life.” She wasn’t trading with merchants when she was raising children; there are stages in her life, and there are going to be stages in mine.

Anything you say, dear, just tell me when those stages are so I can have a heads up on it. And so, first of all, I want you to see that you’re walking with a believer. You see how important that is? It’s so important; she doesn’t walk behind me; she doesn’t walk in front of me; she walks beside me. She’s not lesser; she’s different; she’s a helper, but obviously, there’s something she’s got I really need because God said, “I’m not going to make it without her.”

It’s like, again, you marry a Latin woman; you need me? Yes, I do. You see, and I want you to see that because whenever we talk, people talk about headship, I see them automatically going a lot of times down a road where either they deny headship or they turn it into some sort of, I don’t know, grotesque monster where the woman is something less. She’s not. She’s different. I never thought that would get me in trouble for saying it, but women are different than men.

Alright, but then it comes to 22, and it says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.” This won’t work if you don’t understand the Lord’s headship and you don’t understand some of the differences here. First of all, we’re talking about the headship of Jesus Christ, who, knowing where He came from, where He was going, who He was and everything, took a towel and He served. It is service; it is service. This is not Caesar’s throne; this is Christ’s basin and Christ’s towel.

How do I primarily then lead as the head of my home? Paul said, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” I believe that primarily my role is that of teaching—teaching, teaching. You know, it’s amazing that the elders who truly expose it to the Scriptures and are constantly teaching the Scriptures to their people—they have less need of making these radical independent decisions and strong-arming a congregation. Why? Because they all have the same mind because of teaching, because of example.

So, when a decision has to be made in my home, I don’t just make the decision. Why would I? Why wouldn’t I draw upon the counsel of the woman that I love? And I need her counsel. Now, in the end, if a push comes to shove and a decision has to be made and there’s still not the unity we need, but it has to be made and she recognizes it—yeah, there we go, I’ve got to make it, and I’ve got to stand or fall on that decision, but that’s hardly ever happened.

I really don’t know if it has ever happened because here’s the thing. You probably heard this illustration, but it’s always been helpful for me. You got a bicycle wheel, and you got the axis in the middle, and you got spokes. Spokes start out wide, and they start getting narrower and narrower as they touch the axis. You know what’s amazing? The spokes never touch each other. But the closer they get to the center of the wheel, the closer the spokes come together. I don’t need to conform my wife to my image, nor does she need to conform me to hers. We both need to be conformed to the image of Christ, and as both of us get closer to Christ and the mind of Christ, the more we are going to think alike.

And that’s teaching; that’s Scripture. You say, “Well, you know, you’re a preacher.” And I say, “And sir, you’re a believer, and the Bible says clearly in the New Covenant that they will all be taught of God.” Here’s something where I will tell you that I have failed: I am married to an extremely strong woman, and I am glad about that. But because she’s so strong, I’ve spent most of our marriage investing my life in our children because they were unconverted—investing in them, investing in them, investing in them—and this is one area in which I’m changing, but I failed.

The person I should have been most concerned about growing spiritually was my wife. Now, she has grown spiritually, but she did it on her own, and that’s good. But your priority is not your children; it should never be your children. The priority is your wife—growing together, studying the Scriptures together, and praying together. Because my wife is so strong, all I was ever thinking about was devotional times with the children, discipling the children, doing this, doing that, and that’s not right.

Because according to Ephesians 5, as we go down here, we see the idea of gospelizing your wife and I’m going to talk about that for a moment. But I want to say this right now, ladies, and again I’m talking about in the context of a normal marriage—not an abusive relationship or anything like that, that’s a completely different thing—but I’m just talking about a normal marriage where sometimes, yes, you really want to kill him, but it’s a normal marriage.

I need my wife’s respect. I don’t need her, there’s a difference between her counseling, even questioning, but I don’t need every move to be questioned. I don’t need every move to be doubted. I don’t need to be told, “Well, the last time you made a decision like this.” You can kill your husband! Ladies, and some of you probably are, just like your husband can be totally blind to the needs you have and your desire for love and everything else. He can be totally blind, and he can kill you—just by neglect—because he’s so thinking about himself.

But in the same way, you can just demoralize that man and turn him into nothing. He needs your respect. Now here goes a really important thing: “Well, if he wants my respect, he needs to earn it.” And if you want his love, you need to meet all the conditions, and that would be six feet tall, weigh four pounds, and have the spirituality of the Apostle Paul. We’re not going to get anywhere with that kind of attitude, are we?

You see, let me share with you something. You see these dating services where it’s like, you know, you meet the person that’s like you? You know, I want us to be compatible. Right? You know what that is? It’s self-love. It’s exactly what it is. I love me, and I want to love somebody just like me.

They’re not just like me; I don’t love them. Here’s what God’s going to do: He’s going to throw a wrench into all of that. God is going to give you a wife. Now, I could say the same thing; God’s going to give you a husband. But I can’t just keep going backward and forwards. God is going to give you a wife that meets all the conditions that must be met so that you’re not tempted beyond what you can bear. But God is also going to give you a wife that He has purposely orchestrated to not meet some of the most important conditions for you.

She may, by God’s purpose, literally not be what you want in the areas where she—where you most wanted her to be. Why? Well, let’s just ask a question: how can you learn unconditional love if you’re married to someone who meets all the conditions?

We can turn that around the same way with your husband. You know, you may have wanted certain things, and then you’re sad the rest of your life because of unmet expectations. “He never turned out to be what I wanted him to be.” You see, what this is really all about is marriage is about reflecting the love of Christ and the responsiveness of the Church.

So, man is to love his wife, but the wife is to respond to that. But if we get into the thing of, “I’ll respond when he loves,” or “I’ll love when he responds,” well, that’s like eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth, and pretty much everybody’s walking around blind with no teeth. You see, the whole idea is this whole thing, and men, the primary responsibility is on us. You say, “Well, I will love my wife this way when she respects me.”

Yeah, but there’s a real problematic text in 1 John: “Why do we love Him?” Because He loved us first. You see that? This whole thing about unconditional love—it’s just, that’s the thing you pray all your life, “I want to be like Christ; I want to be like Christ; I want to be like Christ.”

Well, what is Christ most? What are the things we sing? Do we sing about His wrath? Not much. Do we sing about His judgment? Not much. What do we sing about? His love, His unconditional love, His mercy, His grace. You know, God told me one time, and this is so true, if you’re a preacher, it is so true: if you’ve been out preaching for two weeks, you’ve been going through jungles, you’ve been getting shot at, I mean eating monkey—everything! You’re God’s champion and you’ve been out there fighting dragons, and you come home, and you think that when you approach the house, your wife should come out just throwing her arms open to take in her champion, and your children coming out throwing flowers.

Our father, not our dad—our father has come home! And that’s not what happens. Here’s what happens. You get to the door. You’ve been through this. You’re almost afraid to touch that doorbell, and even before you touch it, the door flies open. And there’s a woman standing there going, “I hope you’re finished with your vacation because your children— not mine! Two weeks!”

And you get mad. You know what a friend of mine told me? He said, “Here’s what’s going on.” He said, “I’ve seen this happen with my wife, who is godly. I’ve seen this happen with other ministers. You know what’s going on? He says, I’m an old man now, this is what’s going on. I’m going to tell you—God could give your wife grace to answer that door in a completely different way, but He’s giving you the opportunity to show your wife what Christ is like, even in the face of her sin. And every time you get angry, you failed. You just failed to show her the unconditional love of Christ, and you put yourself right in the center of everything.”

Wow.

So, I’ve been nailing the guys pretty hard. We’re going to do a question and answer for a moment, but I just want to get over here and I want to talk to the women for a minute, so buckle up. Okay, let’s go to Romans, chapter 12. This is just a brief excerpt from my sermon to women on how to live in such a way that God will kill your husband. Now, again, I’m just saying it that way so you kind of get an idea here.

Okay, look what it says in verse 17: “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone; respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own vengeance, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God. For it is written, Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,” says the Lord. “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in doing so, you will keep burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

One time, I had to take my car to inspection. As far as I know, it was an old Jeep, but all the lights were working; everything was fine. I turned it into the mechanic, and come to find out there were lights that weren’t working—there were different things—and they had to fix it. It cost me, I don’t know, somewhere under 100. It wasn’t that bad. I drive home, and I pull in my driveway, get out, I’m looking, and none of the lights don’t work. The lights, they supposedly— the new ones they put in, I didn’t have any light problems.

So I drive back. When I drove back and I pulled in there, they knew they had been caught. They knew it. I could see it on their faces. And, man, there were three of them standing in the door, and you could just see them getting ready. They were getting ready because they knew I was going to bust out of there. I walked up, and I said, “I prayed about it.” I walked up and I said, “Men, I so appreciate everything you’ve done. You found those lights, those different things.”

But it seems like there’s some problem that just happened. If you could look at it again and just fix those lights, they must have come loose or something. And you could just see them looking at me, like, “You know we’re caught.” Why are you treating us this way? Man, I felt so spiritual. I witnessed to them; I fixed the car. I got in, and no, I did not hear a voice; the Lord didn’t speak to me. But all of a sudden, there was such conviction of sin, I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world. And all I could think about was those wicked men who purposely sought to take your money and everything else. You treated them with such kindness and patience and everything else, and yet I go home and then I’m impatient with my wife, or angry because of this or that. Isn’t it amazing how we can treat other people in the church? We can treat unbelieving people so beautifully. Then we come home—the person that’s supposed to be most special to us, we treat them as a commoner.

Do you see that? Now that just popped into my head, so let’s go back to this. So look at verse 19. “Never take your own vengeance, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God.” Now if your husband is a believer, we’re not talking about the wrath of God here. But I want you to look at something: when you go to Europe, in a lot of the castles—they’re just beautiful—and you’ll see this, like, front door. I’m not talking about the main gate, but the front door of the castle will be huge. Ten guys could go in that castle walking shoulder to shoulder, enter in that front door. But in some of the castles, the stairwell going up to the second floor is about this narrow, and then there’s just a door at the top that’s also quite small.

And I asked somebody about it one time. Why have I seen this as a common trait? And he says, “Oh, it’s brilliant.” He says, “Let’s say you’re in the castle, and the castle’s surrounded by enemies. The enemies far outnumber you, far outnumber you. Well, those enemies bust in the front door—ten men walking shoulder to shoulder just busting that front door—but everybody in the castle—what do they do? They run up to the second floor.”

He said think about this; you see the way those stairs are. Only one man at a time can come up those stairs. And so one man with a pike—it’s like a long spear—can stand there and defend that entire castle because only one man at a time can come up those stairs. Ladies, you’re disappointed with your husband; you’re angry with your husband; your husband isn’t the husband you want him to be, or your husband failed in this, that, and the other? You’re going to change him? You’re the one who writes: “My wife says, teach me how to lead my husband to lead.”

Here’s what I would tell you: you’re praying, “God, why don’t you change my husband? It’s been years! Why don’t you change him? Why don’t you change my husband? Why don’t you change my husband?” And the Lord says, “Get out of the way!” Why don’t you change my son? You’re attacking the castle; your husband’s run up to the second floor. He’s there with the pike, and you’re coming running at him up those narrow stairs, and the whole time, you’re fighting your husband with your sword, which happens to be your tongue.

The whole time you’re fighting your husband, you’re looking back, saying, “God, why don’t you help?” Me? “Get out of the way!” Now, again, I’m talking about a normal marriage—not an abusive marriage or things like that; that’s a completely different thing. I’m just talking about the normal marriages where sometimes, yeah, you really want to kill him, but it’s a normal marriage.

Have you ever won a battle with your husband? Yes? Did it ever change him? No. You’re doing exactly what you’re not supposed to be doing. You see, your sin against me does not give me an excuse to sin against you. Do you see that? You see, let’s look at it this way. I have given my wife reasons for being angry with me—being impatient—or raising my voice in an inappropriate manner, or being angry, or losing control, or anything. You go to your child and you either sit down in front of that child or you stand there with a child. This is what you say: “I need to talk to you. Dad is very, very sad.” Why? “I have sinned against you.” I was impatient with you. Name the sin.

I was impatient with you, please forgive me. You know what your child is going to do? Don’t let them do this. That’s okay, Dad. That’s okay, Dad. Now, don’t start rebuking the child. Just look at them and say, “Let’s say your daughter’s name is Sally.” No, Sally, it’s not okay, and I really need you right now. “What do you mean, Dad? I need you to release me; I need you to forgive me.”

And to have your little daughter—and this has happened to me—hear that and put her hands like this on your shoulder and go, “Dad, you sinned against me; you were impatient with me.” But, Dad, I forgive you, and I love you. You want a cure for self-righteousness—not faking it. This is real. This is real. And you will have, no matter how many times you tell your children, they’re going to come back with, “That’s okay, Dad.” You say, “No, it wasn’t okay,” and I need you to recognize that what your Dad did was wrong and that you need to please forgive your Dad.

You see, so listen, if adults, if you were moving in the context of adults, and what sometimes people do is they know they sinned against somebody or they were impatient with some bare anger with somebody; they don’t say anything. The next time they meet them, they try to make up for that by being nice. That doesn’t work; it’s not biblical. Do you see that? It’s not biblical if you do that with your husband. Yeah, I just yelled at my husband, but when he comes back in the room, I’ll be nice to him.

That doesn’t work. There’s a problem here. There’s a breach. Same way with your wife, it doesn’t work; it’s a breach. But if you just walked around the way you do with your children, having sinned against them, everyone would think you were a hypocrite or that you were self-righteous and didn’t see your sin or that you were proud, wouldn’t they? All the adults would think that. Well, children are a lot smarter than what you think they are. Oh, Dad talks about that, but I mean he’s impatient when he came home. He didn’t say anything.

It’s worse when they hear their dad get up on Sunday morning and teach on patience. You talk about embittering a heart, so they start seeing Dad as he, Dad sins too, and my dad needs Christ. I need Christ, guys. Brokenness and humbling yourselves is always the way of calvary.

Okay, next question.

Let’s take a look. I want to say something about…

Can you speak on the subject of parental authority as it would relate to an adult daughter who may not be living in the home?

Yes. Ephesians Chapter 6, verse 1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right; honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with a promise. Children obey your parents in the Lord. I believe that there are a couple of things we need to be very careful about. Here are some of the things I want you to consider. Children are always to honor their mother and father, even when they’re adults and out of the home. But once adults are outside of that child-parent context, all right, they should seek the counsel of their mother and father.

They should seek the counsel of their elders. But there’s a difference between an adult child honoring their mother and father by seeking their counsel and a six-year-old honoring their father and mother. The more—for example, my little child Bronwyn—if I go across the Walmart parking lot, I’m going to hold her hand. I’m not going to hold Ian’s hand, who’s six foot five, because as they grow, as they develop, they have to assume more and more responsibility of who they are before the Lord.

My goal is not to keep my children under my authority for the rest of their life. My goal is to teach my children to be godly men and godly women. They go out and form another family group that’s apart from me. Now, I do believe even when I was an adult, I would honor my mother, who was still living, and I would ask her counsel on things, even as an adult.

But, once I’m an adult, I’m a man; I’m a man. I’m outside of the house. I’m making my own living; I’m doing what I’m doing. My mother’s not going to come to me and say, “You can’t buy that car.” My mother can’t come to me and say, “You can’t marry that girl,” nor could my dad unless the girl is outside of the parameters of what’s required for a Christian to marry; then they can speak with authority, you see.

The more a child is immature, the parents must teach them the Word of God and, in some sense, mold their conscience and be over them with commands. But when that child leaves the home, the child should honor their parents, but that doesn’t mean they’re always going to obey their parents.

Let me give an example, an illustration I used the other day, actually in a sermon that I had to do for Spain.

Let’s say there’s an adult girl who’s a Christian, and her parents are Christians, and she sees this young man who is either an unbeliever or very immature, and she wants to go out with him. Now, she’s an adult; she’s living outside of the home. The parents have the authority of Scripture to tell her, “No.” They can enforce it; they can’t put her in jail; they can’t, but they have the biblical authority to say no. Why? Unequally yoked.

The elders have her have the authority to tell her no. Why? Unequally yoked. Why? She’s in direct violation of a biblical command.

And ladies, you will appreciate this saying, “Oh, if only this would happen to me!” So this young lady, she’s a Christian, her parents are Christian, and there are three different young men vying for her attention. All three of them are the most handsome men you’ve ever seen. All three of them have the spirituality of the Apostle Paul, and all three of them are multi-millionaires. And she’s got to make a choice.

Now, you know I’m kidding, but all these young men are godly. No one, including the elders or anyone, has the authority to say, “You should marry this one.” That’s insane. Now, they can give counsel, but they have no authority over her conscience because she’s not violating any command there.

Okay, now, but also I would tell the young lady or the young man in the same instance, although there is no binding authority, you’re not violating Scripture by marrying any one of these three persons. If the elders and your parents and everyone else gives counsel that’s unified that is contrary to your counsel, contrary to what you want to do, it doesn’t mean you have to do what they’re saying—but it would be for a wise person a yellow flag to maybe hold back.

Why are the authorities in my life, even though I’m an adult, saying this way instead of that way? But I have literally seen cases where there were adult children whose parents still believed they held reign over them in matters of conscience and would demand. I don’t think that’s what the Bible is teaching—thank you.

And one of the things my wife… My wife loves our children; she loves them. But she is so—like she goes, “These mothers, you know, that all sad, their little boys leaving the home, everything like that—they just need a high five in the face with a chair!” She goes, “This is what we’re preparing them for.” We want to rejoice when our young men leave our homes and find a young lady. We’re rejoicing in that, yes, there’s a little bittersweet in it, but this is the reason we’re mothers. Now, are you going to be sad when I leave? No. I got a sewing room when you leave, you know.

Of course, just joking, but oh, let me share with you something; this is really important. Are there seat belts on those chairs? A husband neglects his wife for years, but the wife has a son. And so what happens is this: all the affection, assurance, love, comfort, intimacy that she’s not getting from her husband—her world becomes her son. Her husband does nothing. I mean, dead fish. She gets nothing from him. So all her affections and joy, life, and love—it’s this little boy. This little boy grows up. A godly girl comes into his life, and the mother hates her. Can’t stand her! Why? Because that girl just stole her substitute husband. That girl is not good enough for my boy—how dare she come in here and take my son! You see how twisted that is? You say, “Yeah, that woman’s got a problem.” Yeah, and her problem’s her husband. He neglected her. She found affection not in another man. She didn’t commit adultery, but in her children. And unknowingly, even for her, she was getting it from her children, and children aren’t made for that. They’re not made to sustain that; they’re not made to carry that burden at all. Do you see? So if you’ve ever wondered why some in-laws have such a reputation, this is part of it. And why a young lady who can just be a normal young lady—immature but a good girl and loves the boy—is treated so poorly. Some of you are getting real quiet, but it all begins with what? She was looking for affection; she didn’t get it from her husband; she was too moral to get it from another man, and unknowingly, even for her, she was getting it from her children. And oh, anybody take her children away from her? She’ll suffocate her children. Do you see what I’m saying? Have you seen it? Some of you have probably done it. Your wife should not be dependent upon your children for everything she’s supposed to be receiving from her man. So I’ve got to say it clearly: you’ve got to step up to the plate. You’ve got to take responsibility. Relationships need to grow; they need to blossom; they require a lot of grace and work. But if you think all is well, and you’ve got children in the house, and you neglect your wife, you don’t show affection to your wife; you don’t honor your wife; she’s the last thing on your list, and then all of a sudden, you wonder why the children are caused to treat their mother in a disrespectful way. But that’s because Dad has set the example. The children need to know that Mom is the apple of Dad’s eye, and Dad will not let anything go down the way it’s going down!

So I hope that answers your question.

God bless you.